


Purimspiel, Chapter 6

by Teddywolf, tigerbright



Category: Fake News FPF, Jewish Legend & Lore, Jewish Scripture & Legend
Genre: Gen, Purim
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-11
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-08-21 19:13:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8257237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teddywolf/pseuds/Teddywolf, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigerbright/pseuds/tigerbright
Summary: Apparently there was an accident involving some sort of particles... and here I am in Shushan, the current capital of Persia, centuries before the Common Era, known by the members of Some Other Religion as the time Before Christ.   Whoever he is.(originally written in March 2010)





	

**Author's Note:**

> In 2010, we wrote the chapter 6 parody for the Havurat Shalom Purimspiel. We had a lot of fun. :) And yes, we know that it's Tishri now, not Adar.
> 
> It's the minhag at Havurat Shalom to write a Purimspiel for each chapter; we got Chapter 6. tigerbright wrote the gist, Teddywolf wrote most of the jokes and played Aasif Mandvi. tigerbright played Haman and mimed leading Mordechai along. Merit, another member at the Hav, read Jon Stewart.

But for now, we cut away to The Daily Show with Jon Stewart!

JON: For more on this story we're going live to our senior WMD correspondent in Tehran, AASIF MANDVI! AASIF...    AASIF, what are you wearing?

AASIF: I'm told this is the latest fashion in Shushan, JON. The turban is made of muslin, the blouse is made of silk, and the shoes are made from the skins of virgin camels. The-

JON: In... Shushan. AASIF, you're supposed to be-

AASIF: Yes, JON, Shushan. When I accompanied the IAEA inspection team to Khuzestan where they planned to inspect Iran's secret nuclear enrichment facilities, I got lost from the team while stopping to take a leak. You know, they don't label the bathrooms there very well, JON.

JON: I, I... did not know that.

AASIF: Yes, it got so bad I just ducked into the first closet I could find. Well, I was engaging in some urgent drainage when there was a sudden flash. Apparently there was an accident involving some sort of particles... and here I am in Shushan, the current capital of Persia, centuries before the Common Era, known by the members of Some Other Religion as the time Before Christ.   Whoever he is.

JON: Um... AASIF, what kind of particles did this, exactly?

AASIF: JON, do I *look* like a Star Trek writer to you? I'm not even certain how we're communicating.

JON: You should have known better than to cross the streams.

AASIF: [rolls eyes] Well, whatever it was, I'm just thankful it also transformed the base metal coins in my pockets into real silver and copper. They don't believe in "it's money because the government says so" around here, and the clothes I stole from Jason Jones to wear to Tehran spell S-L-A-V-E in Shushan. I needed an upgrade, fast.   With my new duds, they just think I'm a high-level eunuch from somewhere nearer the Mediterranean. [rubs clean-shaven chin] They don't know what to make of the cameraman, though.

JON: So... can you tell me what's going on? Looks like quite the celebration behind you.

AASIF: Indeed, JON. It seems that several years ago, a man from some small Canaanite sect found out about a couple of courtiers planning to kill the king, and turned them in under the terms of Shushan's Patriot Act. This was a while ago, but the king was reading his annals - this time period's equivalent of a blog - and finally remembered that he ought to give the man a reward.   Oh - here's the honoree now; the procession should come right past us.

[MORDECHAI, who looks like JON Stewart in a beard, enters, splendidly dressed, on horselike object with reins held by HAMAN]

HAMAN: This is what is done for the man whom the King desires to honor! *sighs*

JON: Nice that this guy's finally being honored after... four, five years? Geez, Bush gave Medals of Freedom faster than this. Still, he looks a bit like my Uncle Morty; must be a nice guy.

AASIF: JON, didn't you tell me just last week that your Uncle Morty took all your Hanukkah latkes and-

JON: Uh, never mind that. Hey, the guy leading the horse - he doesn't seem happy to be there. Who is he?

AASIF: That's the prime minister, JON. I understand this whole procession was his idea. Oddly enough, according to my sources on the street, the decree about to be posted to massacre every member of the Canaanite sect the hero belongs to was also his idea. He didn't like how the tough guy didn't bow to him, or what he said about his hat. Even heroes have to show respect, you know.

JON: Might make you think the prime minister didn't know who was gonna be honored and wanted some payback. Um, going back, how did Mr. Patriot here know about the plot?

AASIF: Funny you should ask. Turns out his niece is one of the harem girls and she keeps an ear out for the latest gossip for the Shushan Chronicles - the best basic news show in town, though it's routinely beaten in the ratings by Uncle HAMAN's Cash Bar House Party on Pay Per Brew. (chuckle) You do *not* want to miss that!

JON: Uh, I... think I watch enough Spike TV as it is.

AASIF: Not like this you haven't! The wine, the women, the songs... even the king would get jealous if he knew about it. So don't tell him, or the prime minister might [chhhh-k!] lose his head.

Anyway, our hero here keeps an eye out for his favorite niece. He practically raised her himself, and it was a lot tougher keeping the neighborhood boys off the front porch over two thousand years before the shotgun. It's a lot easier now, though. She lives in a palace which has a lot of guards. She's generally safe because the king has a real soft spot for her. 

Still, Uncle Hero worries about her. No-one's supposed to know they're related and her religion could get her into trouble. The Canaanite sect they belong to is commonly believed to be problematic by their neighbors and by some people in power: they keep separate from most other citizens, they dress differently, they pray to a different god - only one god, can you believe it? 

[beat] 

And they're obvious troublemakers. Just look at the hero on the horse, JON. See what I mean? Clearly they should all be rounded up and killed. Or at least imprisoned in a foreign land far away, heavily guarded, and tortured until they confess to whatever it was the prime minister says they were going to do. 

[beat]

Of course, that's just what they tell me. 

JON: They've told you a lot in three hours.

AASIF: [rubs clean-shaven chin] Eunuchs hear a lot.

JON: Well, I think that's all the time we have, AASIF. By the way, how are you getting home?

AASIF: Well, the cameraman here is very into skiffy. He's told me that we ought to be able to trace our transmission back to the rift and thus back to 21st century Iran. Easy as falling off a log.

[pauses, ponders]

JON, if I don't get back, if I have to settle in Shushan or some other Persian town... tell my mother this is all her fault, would you?

JON: I'll make sure to show her the tape.

AASIF: And tell your wife I love her!

JON: AASIF MANDVI reporting from Shushan, everyone. We'll be right back.


End file.
